Universal Discussion Board[]
This is a universal discussion board, from which all empires can give any announcements to every other empire. This board is not under the control of any organised entity unlike the Seven Starr Alliance, Universal Alliance of Nations, or Intergalactic Federation, so that all empires can send and recieve messages here.
The universal discussion board is available on common hyperluminal frequency #97, subspace frequency #201, and common holonet frequency #1138. The primary communications nexus for the board is in the Sol system in the Plazith Rim; other relays exist in the Cyrannus, Forma, Ghelaxin, Wental, and Girdo Galaxies. ~ Admiral of the Girdo Empire
An Improper Introduction[]
“Empires of the First Gigaquadrant! Have you forgotten us? We've hoped not-for your own sake. I certainly hope you've not forgotten me. I am Kendron, soon to be the First King of Illum, and I call on you to deliver news as varied as the world is faded. The Queen is dead. The Federation is no more. We have vanished. But we are not gone. We are stronger than ever! For Kkia'Sihm has returned, and his Host is now our leader. The Federation's Princess is the Imperium's Empress, and our dominions shall soon cover a universe. The Federation is gone-and we have returned. I have called on you so that you may expect the time of our return, one that we promise will be different. The little games are over. Some of you, who were always the intrigued, have discovered we are absent-you have, even, taken over some of our old holdings! We have seen that our previous mindset was too narrow, our will too weak. And so we have decided to build our Empire elsewhere, away from the domains of the 'Shikua. Our previous nation was too limited attending wholeheartedly to the problems of your society. So our land goes to you. Take it as a tribute, or a gift. Take it as insurance: insurance that, in exchange, we will not be held back, not by anyone or anything. You can have our stars-we only want your cooperation. Of course, this shall be set in stone, so, if you want some of the treasure, feel free to give your word, and sign to the Treaty of our Great Cession. We shall be waiting. Hidden, perhaps, but watching. Waiting.
The time will come soon when we shall come back in full. ”
- - Vy'rii, Servant of Illum, First King of Ravenkind
“We thank you for your tribute, old allies, and we wish you to know that we have ratified the Treaty. And if Ravosk is around, would you please tell him that I say hello?”
- - Chief Ambassador Carillion of the GIE
Hi! But, erm, just one thing. Now, forgive me if there's a really obvious answer to this, but... how do you expect to escape the Xhodocto just by moving a gigaparsec or so away from where you lived before?
~ Emperor Mazipnos
“ Well, hello old ones. We have ratified your treaty, even though we aren't technically a part of the first gigaquadrant, and we hope to have a beneficial relationship with you. I hope you achieve all your positive and nondestructive goals! We will look forward to working with you in the future.”
- - Metamind
Formation of the Temple of Spode[]
Greetings, all.
After several weeks of discussions with the survivors of the destruction of the Dei'Ar Theocracy, we can announce that the Temple of Spode has now been founded. This new religious institution will stand as a united, apolitical, and peaceful institution, dedicated to the worship of Spode and the unity of Spode worshippers across the universe. Hopefully, due to their neutral stance, they will no longer be the target of any empire's anger, and this new organisation will be one of peace and not one of mindless war as were the Zealot empires of old.
The Temple now has a temporary control centre in the Girdo Galaxy, but they should soon set up individual temples elsewhere in the universe (with the permission of the civilisations on whose territories the temples will be built, of course), and eventually the primary temple will be somewhere of importance to the worship of Spode.
~ The Emperor of the Empire of the Girdo Galaxy
Something...Happened[]
“We do not quite know what is happening in Milky Way Galaxy right now, but we think we have approached someting called a Singularity. I am communicating through this archaic form of superliminal communication, not used by the DCP in 200 years. We think an intelligence has emerged from our technology and infrastructure, and we can't shut it down, it resists us. We think some close civilizations have been swept away the rest of "The Civilization" has plunged into almost a dark age. Some worlds are now glowing white hot from extreme computation, the technology such as dyson bubbles seem to be resonating in synchronicity, causing climate chaos in the colonized systems, the even the stellar engines themselves are being pushed to a threshold. This has dug itself deep into us, and it is out of our control, but unlike lets say the Nanohorde we do not know if this is going to complicate further, it could push us out the galaxy. It seems to show lack of interest on our behalf, we are either in its way or are simply a resource, its tossing our battlefleet like toys. We hope we might be able to have some reasoning, but it seems its spreading faster than light, it is pinnacle we make the right choices soon.”
- - Representitive of Milky Way Galaxy Cooperative
“It has been confirmed, a Singularity has arrived, the biggest one of the modern era, although some singularities have occured already, for cyBORG races like the Grox, and the escape of the Nanohorde.”
- - DCP
Message from the FRA[]
“Excuse me, but for all of you who are getting Asgordian Tourists, please don't hurt them while they're petting you. In Asgordian Culture a pet is something symbolic, arriving since the Tribal age. It means "May happiness be always with you". It's basically a way for asgordians to say you're wonderful, you're special, you're a friend to them. It's a generous act Asgordians do to people they like. So let them pet you, they'll eventually stop after 10-30 minutes. You can pet them back too. That will make the Asgord happy. So, be kind to our tourists. They're tired of being hurt all the time, especially the ones that visit those cute Grimbies.”
- - PM Kala'talia from the FRA
“But in our culture, we do not like being petted like animals for half and hour, and we have a right to defend ourselves. Do not force your culture on others, it is in fact an aggressive act. If you continue to, we will have to enforce our "symbolic ways".”
- - DCP
“Animals? I don't get it at all... Why would you defend yourself to such a symbolic act? And we never force our culture, we don't make you listen to our music. And we would love to see your symbolic acts! Come here and show them to us! I'm sure we'll love it!”
- - PM Kala'talia
“We find petting both an annoyance and an embarrissment and it is quite intimidating, because you do not respect what we want, you only care about petting. If petting is part of your culture, then keep it in yours.”
- - DCP
“How is it embarrasing and intimidating? That is so silly! And of course we know what you want, you want to maintain peace around the Universe! In fact, we can help you! Together, we can ally the Xhodocto, the Civatron, the Corruptus, anyone! We can do it together!”
- - PM Kala'talia
“Annoying pests! No one likes you! NO ONE!”
- - Captain Karnak of the Marinoxidiz
Excuse me, but for all you who are getting Tokzhalan tourists, please don't hurt them while they're repeatedly stabbing you in the face. In Tokzhalan culture, homicide is something symbolic. It means "may happiness be always with you". It's basically a way for Tokzhalans to say you're wonderful, you're special, you're a friend to them. It's a generous act Tokzhalans do to people they like. So let them stab you; they'll eventually stop after 10-30 seconds when you bleed to death. You can stab them back, too. That will make the Tokzhalan happy, and they'll stab you even more in return. So, be kind to our tourists. They're tired of being hurt all the time, especially the ones that visit those cute Xhoddies. Poor, poor, tourists.
Not. But seriously, petting someone for thirty minutes can cause serious bruising and even long-term brain damage when they don't have a reinforced skull, and it can be a major disruption to their day, especially when they're operating heavy machinery. ~ Emperor Mazipnos
“Well you haven't yet. In fact, heres is a shocker, we are terminating our alliance. You are no longer safe from us.”
- - DCP
“Why not? We are the bringers of peace! Also, we think you are so cute! Can we ally you? And what? That never happens to us, Mazzie! And stabbing is awful! And why would you finish our alliance? We are bringers of peace!”
- - PM Kala'Talia
“You are the bringers of annoyance, that's what! When we are done with the Dracs, you are next!”
- - Captain Karnak
“Why is everyone doing this to us??? *Cries*”
- - PM Kala'Talia
“OI SHUT DA HELL UP STOOPID FRA DUMBOS GET A LIFE YA LOSAS GO TA HELL STOP PETTIN PEEPLE YANNA WAT LORON CULTYA IS LIKE OUR TRADITION IS TA ROB YAS TA SAY DAT YOR DUM AN WE WANT YA CASH AN TA SWEAR AT YAS COS **** MEANS I LOVE YOO ENNIT NOW GO TA HELL GET LOST BEFOR I EAT EVEN MOR OF YAS”
- - (Real) Propa big Boss Zr'Ahgloth
“But you are so cute! Can we ally you?”
- - PM Kala'Talia
“SHUT UP YA LOSA”
- - Zr'Ahgloth
“YA WAT DA COPYCAT DUMBO SAID”
- - (Fake) Propa big Boss Zr'Angloth
“OH LOOK WHOS TALKIN. YA SUCH AN IDIOT MAN YOO FINK DAT IM COPYING YOO YOO COPIED EVRYFING I DO AN KEEP COPYIN ME YEH YOR ALBUMS YOO USED LIKE ALL DA LYRICS DAT IVE EVA USED SO SHUT DA HELL Up. AN YOO LOOKA ALL WEIRD AN UGLY I LOOK GOOD YA DUMBO NOW GO TA HELL GET LOST STOP CHATTIN RUBBISH. BUT TRUE ENNIT LEZIAS A DUMBO.”
- - (Real) Zr'Ahgloth
“WAT DA HELL SHUT YER TRAP YA LOSA YA CANT EVEN RAP YA NEED TA STOP COYIN ME OR IMMA SHANK YA BUTT TA HELL LETS HAVE A GO. AN YA LEZIAS A LOSA”
- - (Fake) Zr'Ahgloth
“OH MY DAYS YOR SUCH A WANNABE. JUST COS YOO WANNA BE AS AWESOME DONT MEAN STEAL ALL MY RHYMES AN MY FLOW AN EVRYFIN YA BEST SHUT UP OR I WILL SHANK YA DADS BUTT DEN ROB YA MOM. BUT YA LEZIAS DUM.”
- - Zr'Ahgloth
“I am not Ms. Ipevreia, she's taking care of Kezoreg.”
- - PM Kala'Talia
“SHUT DA HELL UP I DONT CAR I GOT MIXED UP SO SHUT UP YA DUMBO.”
- - Both Zr'Ahgloths in unison
“I WAS GONNA SAY DAT!!!!!!!”
- - Both in unison
“YA WANNABE WHO CANT RAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
- - Dark Zr'Ahgloth
“YA COPYCATTIN LOSA!!!!!!!!!!!”
- - Zr'Ahgloth
“IM SO SICK IF DIS COPYCAT DUMBO WHO YE THINK YA ARE UR NOTING TA ME I COULD KILL U WITH MAH HANDS TIED ROUND MY BACK DIE DIE DIE!!!!!!!!!!!”
- - Dark Zr'Ahgloth
“Both of you, hold your tongues....before I rip it from your mouths....”
“You! Beware the wrath of the United Lanat Empire! Now without the protection of the DCP we shall soon give your kind its retribution for all the crimes against the universe it has commented and against Tralorkind! No longer will you be able to hand rape us! Well shall burn every last one of you until you are nothing but ash and then we shall burn the ash until it turns to ash again! Enjoy your last moments of peace because before too long the ULE will turn your lives into nothing but suffering and pain! ”
- - ULE
“Hand rape you? Ha ha.”
- - Voice from the Dark end of the Room
“In our culture their petting is a sexual violation! They want other to respect their culture yet they refuse to respect the cultures of others!”
- - ULE
Mm-hmm. And, sadly, Mazipnos is right.
*a picture appears, showing a small alien creature with severe head injuries*
This picture is of an invertebrate on Luna Caerulea in the Aquaregia sector of our galaxy. It is the result of an Asgordian tourist who visited our nature reserve, and decided to pet the creature for the good part of fifteen minutes before park officials had to escort him away. As soon as he was allowed to go, he ran off to pet another creature. Fortunately, his next target was much larger and had significantly tougher skin, and managed to survive the entire half-hour ordeal without even noticing. This was not an isolated incident. It seems that many Asgord are too concerned with their petting to notice its harmful effects.
~ Commodore Hlraka of the Girdo Empire
“We didn't do that! Or petting is soft and harmless! And how is it sexual violation? Didn't you read the beggining of our message?”
- - PM Kala'talia
Do you want to see the security footage of the incident? How about some taken in the Teledros Forests of Imperial Capitol? It's the result of Asgord petting, all right. It may be "soft and harmless" for a few seconds, but after several minutes it's another matter. Water continually dripping wears hard rocks hollow, after all.
~ Commodore Hlraka
“Your future is horribly grim, Asgord. There are very few ways in which you future could have good consequences. Or else we could prevent you from existing. Your past is the cause of this, and is the cause of so many species despising you.”
- - Taldar
“Yes, we want to see the footage. And how is our future grim? We will just gain more and more allies!”
- - PM Kala'Talia
“I'm sorry to tell you that we are forbidden to show you anything from the Gyronicstream, it'd be too complex for your minds, as well as the fact that's not what happens at all. Even your allies find you irritating. We can't tell you your futures, as there are so many. The good ones? They are all due to total change in your species' traditions (which are improbable) and your deaths & dystopian state not being so bad as the alternates.”
- - Taldar
“Unfortunately, change in the species' tradition would completely alter the future. For all you know, if the Asgord race remained a violent species, then species such as the Kraw or Tahar might not exist. You would have to completely alter time as it is in the current day as well as 500 years in the past in order for a slight similarity to now. Mind you, i'd rather keep the FRA as they are. It isn't our problem that they're idiotic beyond belief, even the FKA are fairly stupid for a race which 'sees the light'. And we think most mortal races aren't that smart to begin with.”
We're not arguing that the Asgord should stop being peaceful, just that they should stop petting so much.
*A video begins to play, showing an Asgord petting the small invertebrate shown in the previous photograph.*
Here you go. Now, let's fast-forward this a few minutes...
*The clip speeds up, and when it resumes at its original speed, the Asgord is sitting down and petting the creature, which in turn begins to purr.*
Purring amongst these creatures is a sign of pain. To be fair, the Asgord probably wasn't aware of this.
*The camera zooms in to the creature, whose skin has began to swell and change colour.*
As you can see, the petting has started to cause blistering. This is a gradual process, so the Asgord may not have noticed it.
*The clip speeds up again, and resumes when two officials arrive and escort the Asgord away. The Asgord shouts in protest and drops the creature, which can then be seen to have the injuries seen in the original photo.*
There we go. The Asgord just sat there, petting it for a further ten minutes, oblivious to the formation of its wounds. Yes, you could argue that the Asgord would have had legitimate reasons not to notice what was happening, but that doesn't change the fact that petting for extended periods of time is harmful.
~ Commodore Hlraka
“Maybe she had rough hands, but our palms are mainly soft. Mine are. And thank you, Navies, can we ally you?”
- - PM Kala'Talia
Then you have a lot of rough-handed people in your nation, or maybe we're getting an incredibly disproportionate number of them. We're making all of the videos of Asgord cruelty to animals publically available now. In fact, we're also preventing all tourist traffic from the FRA to Girdo, active immediately. Hopefully this measure will only be temporary.
~ Commodore Hlraka
“What? We're not being cruel to anyone! Why is everyone being mean to us??? *Starts to cry*”
- - PM Kala'talia
You've seen the footage. And unintentional cruelty is cruelty regardless.
~ Commodore Hlraka
“I say we stop this madness! I do not want my child being brought up in a world without violence and being forced to be pet every minute of the day! Now, I may live in the FRA, and I've seen foreigners kill themselves over the fact that they are FORCED to be pet! Forcing your culture upon others, or breaking the laws of another's culture, is an aggressive act. If somebody says "I do not want to be pet", then you listening to him or her!”
- - Tyraz Breek
“*Pets Tyraz* You are just so cute!”
- - Diplomat Lezia
“We think the Asgord are a security threat, and they are fanatical.. When our representiive meant "no longer safe from us", he meant if we wanted to destroy them we will. We could eradicate their poxy empire in moments.”
- - DCP
“If you think they're mean....then you should stop walking in your paths...for the end of it is no happy ending...”
- - Vi'Navitum
“AIH! Don't touch me! It's creepy! Oh, that actually feels kinda good...”
- - Metamind
“If you pet me I will destroy you absolutely. Petting a Zardalu is a very dangerous thing. It could end up with you dead and give me a rash. I don't like rashes.”
- - Oberjarl of the Zardalu
“ Interesting culture. Just try to keep it to yourself, okay? Petting us reminds us of certain... sorrows from our past. Don't do it or there could be trouble, especially if you pet a Green Priest. They're particularly touchy about being touched by other species, and that could be considered sexual assault, which would defiantly start a war. Again. ”
- - Nobi Senator
The "Can I pet you?" show[]
"And now, a popular new show from the Friendly Republic of the Asgord, it's the Can I pet you Show! Starring Lezia!"
Lezia - "You are all so cute!"
*The Crowd cheers, a Tahar comes to be pet by Lezia, he takes the petting nicely, then 2 Kraw appear and get pet by Lezia, and they like it, though one gets a bit bored. Then, a video shows how petting is truly symbolic in Asgordian Culture, and to end the show, Lezia pets an Iteok, though he gets a bit annoyed by her petting. The show ends with Lezia saying "Have a nice day!"*
“I broadcasted this to all our allies, and now I broadcast this to this discussion board. Now you can see that petting does not harm anyone at all! Bye!”
- - Diplomat Lezia
Wow. You petted them for, like, two minutes each. Yeah, that completely disproves all of the evidence to the contrary.
That was sarcasm, by the way.
~ Emperor Mazipnos
“You see? Our petting shows how much we love all of you. Want to buy our show?”
- - Diplomat Lezia
Yeah. We'll use it as an educational tool for our children, to help them learn how to defend themselves against alien propaganda.
~ Emperor Mazipnos
“Thanks! Now, can we ally you? <<Yay, my show worked!>>”
- - Diplomat Lezia
No. Just... no.
~ Emperor Mazipnos
“Why not? You could be the next person in our show!”
- - Lezia
How long would you pet me for?
~ Emperor Mazipnos
“About 5 minutes.”
- - Lezia
That's acceptable. I'd probably survive that. But my answer's still "no".
~ Emperor Mazipnos
“Whyyyyyyyyyyy?”
- - Lezia
Find some of the more intelligent people in your civilisation and see if they can work it out.
~ Emperor Mazipnos
“LOL FAIL! I can't believe the FRA isn't dead yet! Lezia, you wither join us as a freak amongst our society, or you will be killed by Angazhar. Your choice, failure. Seriously, this is the FAILED Republic of the Asgord.”
- - Emperor Ko'han of the FKA
“Don't be harsh on our republic. Sure they're annoying, but all they want is peace. They're just doing it the wrong way.”
- - Diplomat Gol'Taus of the FRA
So if you have the right idea, Gol'Taus, can't you convince the rest of the FRA of it? Or, at least, a significant proportion of its Diplomats? We're not trying to tell you not to pet, just... don't do so much of it, or for so long... or to any citizens of the ULE.
~ Emperor Mazipnos
“I keep trying to tell them, but they forget about what I said in a matter of hours! It's impossible! I wish there was another way to teach them...”
- - Gol'Taus
Studying your species' history, we can see no events that would have allowed for a genetic cause of that form of amnesia to have developed and spread throughout the population. However, I still have some ideas, based on psychic theory. Have you tried telling all of the FRA at once, instead of just a few individuals? Perhaps another issue may be caused by the wording, if you're telling them to 'not pet so much' instead of 'pet less'. Failing that, the next best option I can think of is xenocide.
~ Emperor Mazipnos
“*Ayrai'Palm*”
- - Khazurhal Angazhar
“We are no longer allies, and you are are banned from petting us. Touch one more of our representitives and it will be treated as a declaration of war.”
- - DCP
“*Pets the DCP Hologram* You are so cute!”
- - Lezia
“I am just a Diplomat, only Helenia can pass a law like that, but she would never do this, she thinks Lezia is getting allies.”
- - Gol'Taus
“I wonder if we'll be able to dissect Lezia's brain once Angazhar reduces her to a charred corpse...”
- - Shka'Tun Scientist
No laws need to be passed by you, Gol'Taus. You just need to try to convince Helenia to change her mind by the methods I told you to use. It might take a while to prepare - I don't know how easy it is to broadcast a message to everybody in your Republic at once - so I won't be expecting any results any time soon. FRA Asgord aren't allowed in Girdo and don't know where my colonies are, so I'm not worried about it taking a long time.
~ Emperor Mazipnos
“Wow... that's gotta be the single weirdest thing I have ever seen. Personally, I have nothing against petting, but you should really ask the individual if they wish to be pet. My brother hates it, but I don't mind it. And we're twins. ”
- - Diplomat Hurin of the Wental Alliance
“Interesting. I would now like to note that if you so much as threaten to touch me I will eat you and then find any and all other members of your species and eat them too. That's how my species greets others... it's a polite way of saying "Hi, I like you. In my belly. And digested." but it's custom...
BTW, that was sarcasm, don't touch us. ”
- - Diplomat Fangar of the Nikkin Confederacy
“ Oh dear, they just get weirder and weirder... seriously, ask first, pet later. And if you pet I will be angry. Very, very angry. I need to work on that. ”
- - Nobi Diplomat Jam
“Lezia, you're just making yourself look like an idiot. Of course, knowing your extremely incredible ignorance, you'll take that as a compliment. And Lezia, I swear, if ANY of your citizens as so much touch our diplomats, I will make a personal appeal to our government so that I can SHOOT YOUR HEAD OFF WITH A ROCKET LAUNCHER! Good day.”
- - Chief TIAF Ambassador Davenport to the FRA
“But I thought you liked our petting!”
- - Diplomat Lezia
*Suddenly, a recording of the TIAF appears to prove her point*
"To sweeten the deal, many of members do enjoy being petted...which, according to our records, is a national pastime for you."
*In the meanwhile, an Asgordian pets a TIAF diplomat*
“Is this some kind of sick joke?”
- - Captain Karnak
Culture Shock![]
*A Vi'Navitum arrives in the 'Can I Pet You?' Show...and stops the show half way. The Vi'Navitum asks if he can pet Lezia; Lezia agrees. Four minutes later, Lezia's back is seriously wounded. He turns Lezia's back to the crowd to reveal the extent of her wounds.*
"You see? Petting is bad!"
*An Asgord complains to the Vi'Navitum about doing it wrong; the Vi'Navitum hypnotizes the Asgord to stop complaining and sit down. The Vi'Navitum calls two Asgord to the stage, and asks them to pet each other. They do it, and the Vi'Navitum skips time by five hours. The victim Asgord is seriously wounded and is taken to hospital. The entire crowd is confused; some Asgord go to the FKA. They are in a state of culture shock*
“As you can see, I have fractured the mind frame of the Asgord culture. They finally know petting is dangerous. Any questions?”
- - Vi'Navitum
“HOW DO WE MAKE PEOPLE LIKE US NOW??? PETTING WAS THE ONLY WAY WE COULD DO THAT!!!”
- - PM Kala'Talia of the FRA
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”
- - Emperor Ko'han of the FKA
“Can I have your autograph?”
- - ULE General
“WAT DA HELL”
- - Zr'Ahgloth
“You totally rock!”
- - Captain Karnak
“Of course....the only solution for your kind now is to completely change your culture forever. That...or be cast off the back-side of the universe forever...”
- - Vi'Navitum
Petting was the only way to make people like you? What happened to Happy Rays and flower bombs?
~ Emperor Mazipnos
“'Happy' rays? Seriously...beams of euphoria? This is strange...”
- - Vi'Navitum
They stimulate the release of chemicals relating to positive emotions inside mortals' brains. They work on nearly all sentient biological organisms.
~ Emperor Mazipnos
“This place is...disturbing.”
- - Mysterious Voice
You're telling me. It seems this entire universe is full of crazy people.
~ Emperor Mazipnos
“SHUT UP MAN YOO IS ALL DUMB”
- - Zr'Ahgloth
So's your face. So's your mum's face.
~ Emperor Mazipnos
“OOOOH SO WE BRINGING FAMILIES INTO DIS??? I DONT REMEMBA WAT MA MOM LOOKS LIKE YA DUMBO SO GO TA HELL GO HAVE DINNA WIV YA GIRLFRIENDS DA ASGORD YA LOSA”
- - Zr'Ahgloth
“OI YA COPYCAT WHY YA NOT CLEANIN MA BATHROOM”
- - Dark Zr'Ahgloth
“SHUT UP MAN I FORGOT YA DUMBO”
- - Zr'Ahgloth
"Girlfriends"? Well, at least I have a girlfriend. Talking of which, I have to go now. I'll leave you and your... twin... to deal with your anger management problems yourselves.
~ Emperor Mazipnos
“Stop being so damn mean. Sheesh, it's just petting. If you don't like it, tell them and if they still pet you squash them like the bugs they are. Simple. ”
- - Nikkin Diplomat Fangar
“Well done Vi'Navitum, the Asgord got what they deserved. Now flower bombs and happy rays? Simple, we have commenced EMP bombardment of their manufacture centers, no more annoyances!”
- - DCP
We tried that, Fangar. They just kept coming back. And DCP, the Happy Rays aren't an annoyance... well, they're better than petting, at least, and they're better than having them moan about not petting us. I'll grant you that flower bombs are a problem, though. What I'm saying is... if you're going to attack them, do it properly and kill them off for good.
~ Commodore Hlraka of the Girdo Empire
And if not, then just leave them be. As long as they're not over-petting anyone or anything, then they're not causing any harm. Right, Commodore?
~ Admiral of the Girdo Empire
...Right, Admiral.
~ Commodore Hlraka
“I would just like to warn you that the FRA Asgordian memory span when it comes to bad things is very low. And since that episode of "the petting show" was never aired again, as it was taken off the air, you can expect asgordians to forget about that episode and start petting everyone again. In fact, I saw Lezia petting Valxarx earlier.”
- - Emperor Ko'han Keteros of the FKA
And that's why we haven't lifted the ban on FRA tourists to the Girdo Galaxy yet.
~ Commodore Hlraka
“ Well, just so long as they don't try to pet us. We've had bad incidents with the Originals from being pet, and treated otherwise like animals. It would likely lead to a war between ourselves and the FRA. So they best leave us alone. ”
- - Nikkin Diplomate Fangar
Spore Cult Revelation[]
“Attention all inhabitants of the universe. We have come to believe that we do not exist, that we are merely pigments of imagination and a computer game called Spore! How do we know this? Don't you ever feel controlled by higher entities. They're not gods, they are players. The truth must be known, spread the word!”
- - Spore cultist
“They do not exist. End.”
- - Emperor Horkarew of the Tahar Empire
The theory that the whole of reality is merely something akin to a computer simulation is a common one. But why would it be a game? And why would it be called "Spore"?
~ Admiral of the Girdo Empire
“Why not a game? There are far many more computer programs that are games than anything else! Also have you noticed some odd things? We all look the same, all similar events are the same, all the plants look the same and our strongest piece of evidence - pollination of procedual development. As for Spore, well, we have noticed some reoccuring acronyms, like the Book of Spore being pollinated, etc.”
- - Spore cultist
“ Life is a game. The goal is to win. The winners will survive, the losers will perish. We intend to win. ”
- - Nikkin Diplomate Fangar
“Spore? What a stupid name.”
- - Captain Karnak
Maybe in your culture, yes, most computer programs are games. But not in every civilisation. And "pollination" can be adaquately explained by a combination of natural laws and alien intervention. However, I don't visit this discussion board for religious debates. Then again, the belief that "reality" is a computer game is hardly religious.
~ Admiral of the Girdo Empire
“You must be mad to think the omniverse is controlled by players of a game.The name Spore does however wring a bell in our history....Probebly just a minor coincidence”
- - Emperor Edoshai
“What an absurd argument, each species in this Multiverse has an origin, thus how spode followers could believe in such thing? Wouldn't you be denying your own god? and "Spore"? That's the most ridiculous name I've ever heard! I shall not spread the word of a theory that has a virulent particle as a name!”
- - Hierarch Kroc of the Krassio Host
“Its not absurd. I know the truth! You, Hierarch Kroc, is a character made up by someone called...Aladerv, Lav, Val_. Girdo Empire, you are based on another fiction similar to you, called The Empire. And as for Spore? Its a better name for a game than lets say, Sim Everything.”
- - Spore cultist
“There are other sims. Next door on the game shelf there is a Sims game for Sim humans. Next to that, we believe there is a Sim Safari game. The so called universe has references to them.”
- - Spore Cultist
“I have decided to speak with the denziens of the First Gigaquadrant. Do not fear, what you do not understand, there is more than what you see! My name, is Wormulon. I am one of the cofounders of your universe. The cultists are correct. You are simply a mixture of user fiction, which has combined into a conscious intelligence of its own, a mixture of the users which made you. Other users will have problems believing me. I can prove it **does godly things to reality**. Do not fear, if we stopped imagining you, you will feel nothing.”
- - Wormulon
“WAT DA HELL KIND OF NAME IS DAT DTS NDUM MAN GO AWAY U IS A LOSA”
“Want to know what the name of the person who's imagination created your name? Technobliterator!”
“WAT MAN STOP LYIN I WASNT CREATED BY NO GEEK I WAS MADE BY ROZ TAH FLOK SO SHUT UP U IS A DUMBO MAN GET A LIFE”
- - Zr'Ahgloth
“We could delete you in a blink of an eye from your illusionary reality, so give us some respect!”
“Yes, he was made by me, Roz Tah Flok and whatever.”
- - Shu'ulathoi
“IF U DONT SHUT UP IN A MINIT ILL DELETE YA HEAD IMMA EAT IT SO GIV ME RESPECT LOSA AN YEH ROZ TAH FLOK MADE ME SO SHUT UP YA DUMBO YOO AR SO FLIPPIN DUM YA GEEK”
- - Zr'Ahgloth
“Go on then tough guy, first you will need to find the thing that creates you.”
“HIS NAME IS SHUULATHOI YA STOOPID NUMBNUT”
- - Dark Zr'Ahgloth
“WAT DA HELL. IM TALKIN TO 2 DUMBOS. ONE MESSES UP ROZ TAH FLOK'S NAME. DA OVA ONE HAS A DUM NAME AN IS CHATTIN RUBBISH BOUT WHO CREATED ME AN ALL DAT. DIS IS DUM. ROZ TAH FLOK PLEASE KILL DEM ALL.”
- - Zr'Ahgloth
“Shut up. Where's Mac when you need him?”
- - Shu'ulathoi
“I'm here. SHUT. YOUR. FRICKING. TRAPS *beats up both*”
- - Mac
“OW MAN U SUK *runs away crying*”
- - Dark Zr'Ahgloth
“You may call Jo a geek Zr'Ahgloth, but you are always trollin' the Universal forums like some sort of cyberaddict.”
“Amazing.You can even control the game of existance.Do you have in universe embodyments?”
- - Edoshai
“Emperor Wormulus II is the closest to what you consider "in universe embodyments".”
“*in pain* WHO DA HELL IS JO AN NO I AM NOT ADDICTED TO DA CYBA STUFF YA LOSA OH MY DAYZ YA SO- OW MAN *runs away crying*”
- - Zr'ahgltoh before being struck by Mac
Hmm. I'm still sceptical. "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic", as we all know. You could be a technologically advanced alien leading this cult for your own purposes, whatever they may be.
~ Admiral of the Girdo Empire
“Yeah, I agree with him. This whole "revelation" is completely unconvincing.”
"i never thought we would contact are creations"
- File:Shellis flag.pngTwink talk to me we all have a minute to learn a lifetime of disaster.
“Mortals... do you not see? Beings of a higher dimension than even us are what controls us. Our reality is small compared to what is outside the Spore omniverse. One of many things we won't explain as you can't comprehend.”
- - Taldar
“ur so gay”
- - Technobliterator (Jo)
“Theres more?”
- - Edoshai
“Yes over 30.You should know shellis created you but I created shellis.”
“You're a faggot go back to raping your dad you gay shit.”
- - Professor Badass
“WAT MAN IS U TALKIN TA ME YA SO DUM IMMA SMASH YOOS TA PIECES”
- - Zr'Ahgloth
“Not ANOTHER one...”
- - Mac
“Taldar and loron by the same creator.They must feel so bad right now.”
- - Twinkyberries
“It isn't that we're created by them as such; perhaps they seem to parallel our events at the precise moment. Not that they created us.”
- - Vi'Navitum
“What the blue guy said.”
- - Xhodocto
“Have you ever heard of or seen the yurgo? Of course you have not because they were deleted by us.Even the taldar have no knowledge of are failed creations.”
- - Twinkyberries
“Of course we have, mortal. We observe numerous universes simultaneously. What you call 'deleted' is that we eradicated them from existence. You don't control us; WE CONTROL YOU.”
- - Xhodocto
“And you are controled by a person who is seconds old by your satndards”
- - Twinkyberries
“This 'seconds old being you speak of' only simultaneously recalls our events. 'Control' has nothing to do with it. We should wipe you and the Shellious of the face of the universe.”
- - Xhodocto
“say what you will but if that is true how can we go back so far that we know the exact happenings of when Kamik,Shi and Kkia,Shim created the two elder races.This just seems to go on and on in my mind.”
- - Twinkyberries
“A possible recount via the minds of our own race transferring to yours. Perhaps your time...on this place was intentional.”
- - Xhodocto
“Maybe you should speak to your real creator who is not Kamik,Shi.”
- - Twinkyberries
“:/ And you are to say you are the creator of a race more powerful than you? Logic mortal. One cannot create something it cannot comprehend.”
- - Xhodocto
“not me,another one.I may not know if you do or don't exist.Yuor words are really those of a another,like the shellious's are mine.”
- - Twinkyberries
You're not going to convert either them or us to your crazy existential-crisis cult, "Twinky Berries" - if that even is your real name, which I very much doubt that it is.
~ Emperor Mazipnos
“I think useing my real name is dangerous.Well it was so fun to have this little talk with you little computer programs. You can belive what you wish.For all i know it is just us thinking things that are really happening.But if so than how can we be talking to you.Ghelae is your creator and that is just his username.Bye and note that we all know everything you know so you would not be able to do anything against us.”
- - Twinkyberries(or if you want connor fine)
"Bye"? Oh, good, does that mean the cultists will be leaving us alone now?
~ Emperor Mazipnos
“I ment us not the cultists.But they probebly will”
- - Twinkyberries
“Valader, is that the name you are looking for Cultist? The Valader is my mentor, I admit it. Thus his power does not reach the ability to create. You are just pathetic liar, like all those whom believe in such things as users, users did not created the Krassio, just the Krass!”
- - Hierarch Kroc
“My brethren user-kind, I thought we agreed to not intervene with our creations space-continuum, why breaking long silence to solve a matter-less issue? Let the creations decide wether to believe in us...”
“You our stances on "gods", except of course technological ones. We have observed this Wormulon's "reality warping". Perhaps... It is similar to Digital physics, where the universe is a computer program. Maybe, the DCP is ready for the truth... However, this "Wormulon" and "Twinky-Berries", if they are correct, then they should have thought about this more carefully, was it morally fair to break our reality and make it come crashing down on us? It is impossible for us to come into their world, for we are bits of imagination if they are telling the truth, and this world, might be fake to them, but real for us!”
- - DCP
“You are correct, DCP and The Valader. It was unfair of me to interviene, but when I saw these Spore Cultists so close to the truth at least they should know and be given the option to believe in us! And I have a message for you DCP. End times are near, be prepared and do the best you can to survive, forces in our world are going to affect yours very soon...”
KrawVision Winner speech[]
“Oh wow, We are like... proud to be chosen to talk to the great Discussion board today, 1 month after our victory in Tantalus, I'm talking about KrawVision, dudes! So, right, We are a Kraw Race band called Taharas Kataliem, which is Taharian for Taharian Battle. We represented our great city of Zaorg in our great contest, and won! We did so much, won so much money, and gained so much respect the last month, we are super-high class citizens now! Concerts around our Galaxy, everything! Now, we just wanted to speak to every race in the universe in the name of the Kraw. We know the DCP hate us, we know the Universe's banging up the FRA for no reason, but forget about all that one day and listen to this song! Also, fun fact, our DJ was born on the same day as when the march of the apocalypse began. So, listen to this, goodbye!”
- - Kiomozo Lakraig, leader of Taharas Kataliem, winners of KrawVision 1501
*A Hypnotizing trance-like song begins to play, with lots of epic sounds*
“Is this what qualifies as important information nowadays?”
- - Apollo
Erm... sorry for spoiling the party, but wasn't the March of the Apocalypse, like, only two years ago?
~ Emperor Mazipnos
“Hang on, what? Didn't it start in 379 KRE?”
- - Kiomozo Lakraig
“Cool story bro.”
- - Captain Karnak
“Don't celebrate too soon, we might turn up before the party begins.”
- - DCP
“WAT DA HELL MAN DIS IS DA DUMBEST MUSIC EVA GET LIVES MAN LISTEN TA RAP MUSIC”
- - Zr'Ahgloth
“Hmph. Stupid Loron.”
- - Kiomozo
“LIEK YE KNOW ANIFING ABOUT MUSIC YA LOSA”
- - Dark Zr'Ahgloth
“SHUT UP COPYCAT DUMBO YOO DONT KNOW NUFFIN NEIVA YOR ALBUMS DEYZ ALL RUBBISH AN YA COPIED MINE MY ALBUMZ DEY IS AWESOME YA DUMBO AND KIOMOZO STOP ACTIN HARD YA LOSA”
- - Zr'Ahgloth
“Wealth and fame are nothing. You should be proud of your achievement, but you should remember to be humble as well. When you get cocky, you get dead. That is a lesson that few learn before they die. I hope you are lucky enough to do so, little ones. ”
- - Nobi Green Priest
A New Empire?[]
“We are the Kicath Empire. Ok, maybe a little harsh on the intro. We are a potentially strong empire in Milky Way Galaxy and we managed to get hold of this board through some contacts. Of course i'm sounding a little arrogant, but then again that's just our nature. Hopefully we'll get along, rest of the universe. Just before I officially name myself, we have some requests. We have requested schematics for a hyperdrive from the Delpha Coalition of Planets, and now another thing we request. We need a little bit of expansion. Well, not a little. A lot. We are a small 3,215 colony Empire. By the end of our decade or so we wish to have an extent of at least 30,000 - 300,000. We have developed methods of extremely quick colonisation. We also have this rare material. I heard it calls for at least 50-60 quadrillion Sporebucks every cubic metre. It does have rare properties...a little strange if you ask me. So, I am Legendary Captain Kithworto. Good day.”
- - Legendary Captain Kithworto of the Kicath Empire
“If you need any services, ask us. Just pay a lot.”
- - Emperor Tnogedo 78 of the Dagorian Mercenarium
“Welcome to the galactic community. We advise you stay away from our territory for now. Not that we don't want to, it's just that a massive star devouring demon is attacking us... Strange? Yes. Impossible? Not at all.”
- - Captain Jerkon of the Dracogonarious
“Haha, fresh meat!”
- - Captain Karnak of the Marinoxidiz
“meh”
- - Dark Zr'Ahgloth of the Loron'Kikra
"YOR DUM"
~Zr'Ahgloth
A "rare material"? Well, you could at least tell us more about it. We're not going to pay quadrillions of sporebucks for something that we don't know anything about. Not that we couldn't afford it. Also, a small empire? Really? We have a mere 178 colonies. Large empires are overrated. Oh, and welcome to the intergalactic community!
~ Commodore Hlraka of the Girdo Empire
"Rare Material? Well, it is metallic. It glistens red in sunlight and when it is cut it is black. We've decided not to use it for our ships - it seems to be extremely radioactive. It's half life is numerous thousands of years. It is extremely hard to cut and is fairly dense. It also seems to have an unnaturally high melting point."
~ Legendary Captain Kithworto
You didn't happen to acquire this as a result of a visit by a race of tall, angry, demonic humanoids, did you?
~ Commodore Hlraka
Well there was ancient records of an ancient red coloured meteor hitting one of our colonies about 400 - 600 years ago. Is there a problem? You're beginning to frighten us.
~ Kithworto
No, no problem at all. It's just that this substance is a rare "pseudometal" normally associated with a transfinite army of immortal reality-devouring demons. But as you may have noticed, they've failed to kill any of us, so they're not really that scary. I think they're pretty pathetic, actually.
~ Commodore Hlraka
"The Empire of the Girdo Galaxy: Tempting fate at every available opportunity!"
~ Emperor Mazipnos of the true Empire
"We'll pretend we did not hear that, mortal."
~ Xhodocto
See? They don't even take retribution against- *is silenced*
~ Commodore Hlraka
Shut. Up.
~ Admiral of the Girdo Empire
Sometimes, I feel as though I'm the only sane person in this whole universe...
~ Emperor Mazipnos
“I am not sain in some ways,but realy who would want a radioactive metal.”
- - Edoshai
“Ah, the hell with it. We'll take that metal off your hands if you want to sell it at a low price. In return we'll share any tech we create from it with you, and hey, maybe you'll get lucky and we'll create some kind of superweapon out of it with which you can destroy your enemies. Who knows, it could come in handy. Anyway, what was the price again? THAT MUCH! Dear gods, why the hell would you want that much for a piece of black shiny rock? I mean, if it had a known use besides being very strong, then maybe. Why don't you chuck it in a star an see what happens? We could use your old territories, if it wipes you out...”
- - Zardalu Refugee
"That 'black rock' that these mortals possess happen to be one of the hardest substances in the known universe - the substance that we create via our being. Of course, Tuuros Galaxy and another 17,500 galaxies are rich with the material. Tuuros is swarming with the Cult, and the other galaxies are still in our watch. I would be careful with your words, mortal. I bet the Kicath Empire are now going to close their trade. Not that they cannot destroy you either.
~ Xhodocto
“ Those who have nothing can lose nothing, strange one. We have nothing left to lose, so why bother being nice?”
- - Zardalu Refugee
Sporemaster Alliance Returns from it's After-Civil-War silence![]
“ Hello all! We, the Sporemaster Alliance, have finally returned after recovering from our civil war with the Darkstar Alliance, which we have temporarily recognized and accepted as a new government. The Forma Galaxy Regions (Forma, Sana, Bailt, Demitris, Campfree, Time, Calimrii, and Alumini) are now open to other empires once more, though we warn you, in the chaos ships went missing, and pirate raids have gone, so it may not be entirely safe here yet. As for the Darkstar Alliance... well, we will reunite our alliance someday, but that is not this day. They retain control over Campfree, Portions of Forma, portions of Calimrii, and portions of Alumini. We highly recommend you do not attempt to ally with them, or you will face our wrath. Anyway, we have returned and hope to start taking full part in the universe again.”
- - Evermind, leader of the Sporemaster Alliance
“ So, dat's ow it is, is et? You just gonna bully da 'ole 'verse inter not allyin' us, are ya? Well, the Darkstar Alliance has a ting or two ta say 'bout dat! "irst off, we're just as big a 'pire as you are! So don' you go messin' with out pol'icle future, got it? You bedder! Da war may be ober, dut we still 'ate you! So get ove' yourselbs! AND TOP DAT LAUBING! I 'AVE A TEMBERARY DISORER! ”
- - The First of the Darkstar Alliance
“ Sorry about that, the First just got out of... um... surgery... yes, surgery. Anyway, I'm Second and I would liek to remind the Sporemaster Alliance that they signed the Treaty of New Tyrus too, and cannot prevent empires from allying us or us from allying them. Please do try to remember that, neither of us can afford another war right now. ”
- - The Second of the Darkstar Alliance
"WAT DA HELL"
~Zr'Ahgloth
"Ah, greetings, long-lost friends! We hope you don't mind that we placed some colonies in Forma and Sana while you were gone. I mean, after all, to the victors go the spoils, right? But never mind that. We'd like to remind both of you that the Treaty of New Tyrus is still in effect, and we will enforce it by any means possible." -Captain Lorrelas of the TIAF
“ Placing colonize in the Forma/Sana galaxies is fine, so long as you don't attack any of ours or try to claim any of ours as your own. As for the Treaty of New Tyrus, yes, we know. Does it say we cannot argue? We won't fight yet, but when that treaty becomes invalid... well, those Sporemaster Alliance guys had better watch out...”
- - The 2nd
“ Ah, our friends from before! We missed you! I'm glade you placed some colonize here, we could use some friends. As for the Treaty, we will obey that until it become invalid, then we shall start talking with the Darkstar Alliance about reuniting ourselves as one entity again. Only though peace will peace be achieved. ”
- - Evermind
“Welcome back, Sporemaster Alliance, shortly before your war we had an alliance, and we wanted to study your galaxy and cluster in more detail, but events elsewhere have largely prevented this. We have several research colonies in your galaxy, we have some technology of Xyanxian origin as well as an interesting war between two races, the "Forgetful Ones". However, there has been some interesting events in the rest of the First Gigaquadrant, such as The Singularity, massive superintelligences now have risen across much of Milky Way Galaxy. The SSA has established Station Halcyon, and certain wars have occured, such as the Grox returning to power and the Cyrannus galaxy has collapsed into a galactic-wide war. The Xhodocto's activities have gone too quiet, we expect they are preparing for something major soon... Finally, massive godlike beings, the mysterious users who say we are merely their imagination have appeared, it was rather strange.”
- - DCP
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